A Review of the Year 2009, Part 3
During the past two weeks, you’ve read Parts 1 and 2 in my groundbreaking 3-part series: "A Review of the Year 2009." Well, loyal Edge readers, we have saved the best for last. Continuing where we left off after the cliffhanging month of August, we now proceed to the thrilling month of September.
Please enjoying the stirring conclusion: A Review of the Year 2009, Part 3
SEPTEMBER
•U.S. Representative Joe Wilson interrupted President Obama’s address to Congress about health care by shouting "You lie!" Then he texted Kanye West, saying "OMG, I totally just did it! You owe me $20 bucks."
•Kanye West interrupted Taylor Swift on live national television at the 2009 MTV Music Video Awards, as she received the award for Best Female Video. Then he texted Rep. Joe Wilson, saying "Lol, I just did it too! You owe me $20 bucks too."
•Patrick Swayze, who isn’t Michael Jackson, died at the age of 57.
•Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke announced that the recession had ended. Congratulations everybody, we did it!
•The final episode of Guiding Light aired, after being on the air for 72 years. Then it was taken behind the barn, given a sugar cube, and put out of its misery.
•Roman Polanski was arrested in Zurich on a 31-year old U.S. arrest warrant, for committing sexual assault on a thirteen-year old girl in 1977. Although the Oscar-winning director was grateful, he decided to decline the nomination to go to jail, saying that more talented directors deserved the honor for their work.
OCTOBER
•David Letterman announced on his show that he had sex with a number of female employees over the years. The next day, Conan O’Brian, fearing his competing late night show would be outpaced in the ratings, announced that he was a transvestite prostitute.
•The International Olympic Committee awarded the 2016 Summer Olympics to Rio de Janeiro after Chicago had a disappointing performance in the swimsuit competition.
•The United States Federal Trade Commission issued specific regulations for writers for blogs, which I believe is fair and just. In fact, I, for one, welcome our new internet overlords.
•Another ring around Saturn was discovered by scientists at the U.S. Space Agency Observatory, leading researchers to believe that Saturn - with its many rings - may secretly be a polygamist.
•President Obama won the 2009 Nobel Peace Prize, narrowly beating out Marily Streep for her role in the acclaimed film Doubt.
•President Obama announces the end of "Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell" at a fundraising dinner for the Human Rights Campaign in Washington. Some later pointed out that he never told when he would end the policy, as nobody had asked him.
•Some kid was in a weather balloon and then he wasn’t and then his parents tried to have a reality tv show and then the kid was on CNN and admitted he was hiding in the attick and then the parents were investigated for fooling the media and God bless America.
NOVEMBER
•Michael Bloomberg won a third term as New York City Mayor, proving that money CAN buy happiness, friendship, admiration, respect, a third term in office, and a solid gold toilet.
•The voters of Maine passed Proposition 1, rejecting same-sex marriage. So, no plagues for Maine.
•Germany marked the 20th anniversary of the Berlin Wall with a large cake that had been split into two. One half of the cake was filled with an oppressive socialist state, while the other half was filled with chocolate.
•The United States opened its first marijuana café in Portland, Oregon. For some reason, it opened four hours late.
•Sarah Palin’s memoir, Going Rogue, was released nationwide into the public, although scientists vowed to find a cure.
•Oprah Winfrey announced she will end her talk show in 2011. Her critics immediately accused her of setting a timetable for withdrawal from Chicago.
DECEMBER
•President Obama announced he would send 30,000 more troops to Afghanistan.
•Then President Obama accepted the 2009 Nobel Peace Prize. Still not satisfied that he was the most ironic man alive, Obama grew a moustache, moved to Williamsburg, Brooklyn, joined an indie rock band, bought a pair of skinny jeans, and became a hipster.
•Houston elected Annise Parker as mayor, thus making history as the largest U.S. history to elect an openly gay mayor. Parker announced that her goals as mayor were to put a Home Depot on every corner, require all women to wear plaid shirts, and to eliminate offensive stereotypes about gay people.
•Tiger Woods announced he was taking an indefinite break from golf, to spend more time with the ladies.
•A meteor hit the Earth, destroying all life and inhabitants, except for the cockroaches and the Wal-Marts.
Happy New Year’s, everybody! Have a very gay and prosperous 2010.
